Screwed
by Rictusempra Tickles
Summary: PARDORY/HUMOR: Bella catches Edward with another girl. She's furious and then she's misrable, as usual. Edward goes to the Volturi because he is sad that he made Bella sad. Bella turns BADASS! Jake is no longer there for Bella. Some crazy things happen...
1. Chapter 1

_FYI: I'm not exactly a Twilight fan, but I have read the books._

Chapter 1: **Bella is Miserable (Is that anything new?)**

It was a Sunday morning and, as usual, Bella had tripped over the stairs and was now feeling bad for herself.

"Why does everything happen to me?" She cried. "I'm going to go visit Edward. I can't bear to be away from him for more than an hour."

So, after checking her cell phone messages, all of which were from Jake, and ignoring his desperate pleas to hang out, she jumped in her truck and drove to Edwards. There was an unfamiliar sports car in the driveway. She rolled her eyes, vampires and their cars. Edward probably got a new one. Again. She knocked and when there was no answer so she pushed open the door to the Cullen's house. She heard voices in Edward's room upstairs so she walked up and opened the door. Edward and a beautiful strawberry blonde, who had to be Tanya, were kissing on Edwards's bed.

"EDWARD! How could you? SCREW YOU!" Bella screamed.

Edward gasped and Tanya smirked. "Bella! Don't talk about… uh…you-know-what-stuff…that way!"

"What are you talking about? I didn't say anything!"

"Yes you did you said," Edward lowered his voice to a whisper, "_screw_ you."

" Whatever. You are such a prude. We are so over Edward. I am going to get back at you for this. And tell you stupid brother Jasper he looks like a freak with all his scars and that Emmet scares the hell out of me with his gorilla looks."

Bella went home and cried and cried and cried. The world hated her. Everyone hated her. Her phone rang and she picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey it's Jake. Do you want to hang out tonight?"

"Jake you are so insensitive. You should have known that I'm going through a tough time right now."

"How could I have known? Oh, I mean you are right, Bella. I am so sorry. I need to tell you that I…I LOVE YOU!"

"Jake, you are such a jerk. How could you say that? And Edward's my guy, not now, not ever you." Bella hung up the phone. People are so insensitive, she thought, and Bella cried herself to sleep.

_Await Chapter Two:_

_**Edward Feels Really Bad and Goes to the Volturi to Kill Himself **__(That's not predictable at all.)_

_**and the Beginning of Badass Bella**_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:** Things Don't Go Eddykin's Way So He Goes to Kill Himself…Unless Badass Bella Kills Him First**

"Oh, my Bella love! My lovely lamb! My ladybird! Oh, how I love thee! What shall I ever do to win the goddesses favor yet again?" Edward said as he wiped nonexistent tears from his eye.

"You could apologize. Here's the system: go to her house, give her an island as a present, and say you are sorry. Call the island Isle Bella and she will forgive you right away. That's what I did when I got caught with Emmet," Carlisle said cheerfully and Edward looked slightly disturbed. Carlisle cleared his throat uncomfortably, "Where's Tanya?"

"My Tanya! My lovely ladybird goddess! Oh, how I love thee!" Edward cried, wiping more nonexistent tears from his eyes.

"Yes, yes I get it. Where did she go?" Carlisle said impatiently.

"My love Tanya left me when she saw me shedding my tears of despair." Edward said dramatically, falling backward onto the floor.

"Edward, you are a vampire." Edward looked confused, and Carlisle sighed. "You can't cry. It's impossible."

Edward ignored this very wise comment. "What shall I do about my two loves?"

Carlisle was beginning to get annoyed by this conversation. "I've already told you. Buy her an island! Isle Bella! Isle Tanya! For goodness sake!" Carlisle left the room.

"I must do something that makes sense," Edward said to himself. "I know the only solution. I will go to the Volturi to kill myself." Edward jumped on Plane Esme and flew to Italy.

When he got there he was escorted by Alec into the underground castle of the Volturi. It was located in Italy's lovely sewers.

"Gosh, it smells disgusting down here." Edward exclaimed, holding his nose to avoid the putrid smell of human wastes.

"The sewer was the only place open." Alec said as he stepped in a pile of shit.

"This is so ickypants!" Edward cried in misery.

"Take that back you fiend," said Alec.

"NEVER!" Said Edward.

"You leave me no choice then except to summon Pain Jane."

Edward gasped. Pain Jane walked into the room and flexed her pain powers

"Someone needed the Pain Jane?" She asked.

"Shoot him up. He called our lair ickypants." Alec said to his twin sister.

Pain Jane shot a mega dose of pain right into Edward's…manly parts. Edward screamed in agony.

"Make it stop! Make it stop! Your lair smells like flowers! YOUR LAIR SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS!"

"That's better," Pain Jane and Alec said at the same time.

"I know you are my sister," Alec said, "but I find so hot when women torture wimpy men. It's sexy."

"I think your hot and sexy," Pain Jane said to her brother. "I don't care that you're my brother!"

They ran together and started making out.

"INCEST! TWINCEST!" Edward cried and Pain Jane shot him with a pain bolt. This made Pain Jane even more attractive to Alec, so she soon forgot about Edward, her attention elsewhere.

Edward shook his head in disgust and realized he needed to find away the get the "Big Three" Volturi members…

Meanwhile, with her spare Edward free time, Bella was training to be a ninja assassin.

"Hiiiiya!" Bella said, as she chopped a row of bricks in half.

Alice, the obnoxiously peppy vampire, hopped in.

"OOOOOH! OOOH! Look at me! I can jump sooooooooooo high!"

"Stop it, Alice! You're ruining my ninja concentration."

"Sorry, but I have a message for you. Edward is going to kill himself."

Bella clenched her teeth. "Not if I get him first. Where is he?"

"He's in Italy with the Volturi! I'll help you kill him. He totally rejected my outfit for him. He must pay!"

So Badass Bella and Alice hopped on Alice's stolen private jet to Italy.

_Told you Bella was going to be badass. Please review!_

_Love, RT_


	3. Chapter 3

**I did it! I did it! I'm on a roll again, all thanks to konARTISTE! **

Chapter 3: Thank Goodness

"_Oh my God!"_ Alice shrieked. "My heels are _so_ getting ruined in this filth."

"Why the hell would you where a black cocktail dress and red pumps to kill Edward?" Bella muttered.

"I needed to look cute for the occasion. This isn't something that happens every day."

Bella frowned. Then blinked. Then blinked some more and said, "Whatever," in her usual monotone.

"How come you look so…._blah_?"

Bella stared blankly in response.

"Can you just kill me gosh darn it?" Edward asked the Big Three.

"I sense that you have a relationship," Marco paused, "a very close one. Is she you mother?"

"Very wise, Marco, very wise. Your powers are indispensable to us. How could we make do without someone to see relationships?" Aro exclaimed. He turned to Edward, "Well, I don't know if I want to kill you or not. See, you could help us out a bit."

Edward looked up cheerfully, "Really?"

"Oh yes, my boy. We would give you a present in return."

Edward considered this, " I want a new Bella! Wait no, I want a new Tanya!" He then said shyly, "I want a combination of both."

"And so you will," Aro began, but was cut off suddenly by a swift, sliced removal of Edward's head.

Bella murmured, "Now you get none." And she and Alice flew home in a stolen jet.

"I sense a relationship!" Exclaimed Marco delightedly.

Now that Bella was home, she did not have a clue what to do with herself. She had no Edward to cling to and her friends had long since abandoned her because of her vampire obsession. As she pushed the button on her answering machine, she expected a few messages from Jacob. There were none. Bella was confused, but then she had an idea: Jacob would be her new boyfriend! He already was ignoring her, which meant a perfect relationship by now.

Bella drove down to Jacob's house, after kicking her truck multiple times to make it start. She stopped in surprise when she saw the police cars surrounding Quill's home.

"But she's my girlfriend!" Quill shrieked. "There is not anything wrong with our relationship. I'm like a father to her until she turns eighteen. Then, I become her boyfriend. See? There's nothing wrong with that," He explained to the frowning cops.

"Claire is four years old. You are well over eighteen," the policeman said, "that's pedophilia."

The cop's partner chimed in, "Yeah, you're a baby dater."

"And let us remind you that you are being arrested for the possession of child pornography." The two cops cuffed Quill and forced him into the car.

**I will be posting a new chapter soon. **

**Love, RT**


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